My Own Private Apocalypse

If you do not care about The Walking Dead or zombies or the end of the world, stop reading right now. I get enthusiastic about things (television shows) and don't let them go. I know this about myself. No need for an intervention. You can walk away at any time.

If you do care: I've spent some time (sleepless nights) considering what I would do were I holed up in a farmhouse (or my house) with the impending threat of person-eating persons coming over en masse for a visit.

What I would do:

Build a moat.

For the love of God, has no one read the story Leiningen Versus the Ants? First you dig a moat. Then you fill it with gasoline. Then you dig a second moat and fill it with gasoline. Keep plenty of matches handy. This should not be something I even have to say. It should be assumed. Zombie apocalypses and double moats filled with gasoline go hand in hand.

Procure flame throwers and grenades.

Has no one seen the 1984 masterpiece Night of the Comet? In the event of an apocalypse, the whole world will be a giant free mall. Anything you want is up for grabs. Collect flame throwers and grenades. This is your new hobby.

Commandeer a helicopter.

Wouldn't it be so useful to fly above the landscape and see exactly where the zombies are hanging out? In The Walking Dead, there are helicopters just sitting around with the keys still in the ignition. Take one of those babies up for a spin. Maybe take a few and line them up right by the door. That way when the walkers lurch out of the woods, you're not fleeing on foot or in a wee hatchback with slippy tires. I mean come on.

Build a tunnel.

Maybe there would not be time to build the moats and the underground tunnel (the moats take precedence obviously), but at least try. Have it as a side project. Something to do when you can't sleep at night. Because you really shouldn't be sleeping at night.

Army tanks and Hummers

If there are Army tanks and Hummers standing around with the keys in the ignition, take them for yourself. Park them by the door alongside the choppers. It isn't stealing if the original drivers are now zombies. It isn't stealing if the government infected you with a zombie germ without your consent. (The least they could have done was put it in a bond measure.)

Stockpile food

. . . .and water and medicines and blankets and clothes and books and board games. You don't know how long you are going to be hunkered down for. Plan ahead. I don't mean five minutes ahead.

What I would not do:

Talk about my feelings and cry. Let my kids play in the woods by themselves for hours. Neglect to load extra cans of gas into the back of my truck. Get pregnant. Make my kids do homework. Hurt my chickens' little legs.

It's all about planning ahead. I plan to survive.